When Pigs Fly
by jaqueline-littlebird
Summary: Darcy Lewis once told Loki she would date him when pigs fly. Looking back, that might not have been the smartest quip.


A/N: Written for a prompt on Norsekink LJ. Inspired by the Comedy Central spot with Mr Hiddleston as Loki in that preschool or kindergarten (Do google it if you haven't seen it yet), among other sources.

disclaimer: Not mine, no money.

suggested music: "Werben" by ASP

* * *

**When Pigs Fly**

„Darcy? Darcy? Darcy!"

„Hi Jane. You been jogging on the quarterdeck?" Unperturbed by the dishevelled astrophysicist, SHIELD's new junior agent (astrophysics unit) Darcy Lewis continued rifling through their kitchenette. The Helicarrier was spacy enough to allow the few scientists and their assigned agents their own coffee and food supply, with no need to live by the schedule of the cafeteria.

Jane brushed her hair back with her hands, panting. „Darcy! Is that Stephen Hawking sitting in our common room?"

„Yup." The pol sci student retrieved a bag of something and scrutinized it.

„And who's the other guy? The scruffy one?"

„Oh, that one? That's Gree-gorey Perelman. Won some math prize worth a million dollars. Totally cool. Jane? Do you think they know Pepsi and Doritos in England too?"

Jane was speechless for a moment. The best-known expert on quantum mechanics sat kind of in her living room, as well as the fellow who proved the Poincaré conjecture, one of the Millennium Prize Problems, and all Darcy – blissfully ignorant Darcy – thought about was which crackers to serve them. Was that what you learned in political science?

„What did you tell your supervillain boyfriend this time? Darcy, what did you do?"

„He's not my boyfriend, 'kay?" The younger woman looked at her shoes, embarrassed. „Okay, I think I mentioned somehow that I only took that internship with you because I need to work on my math skills. Didn't help much so far but we got distracted with all this Alien shit, right?"

„You – you said you need lessons in math and he brings in the best mathematicians he can find?"

„Yeah, sorta. Only: He is NOT my boyfriend!"

The air shimmered in a corner of the room, revealing the god of mischief in all his green, black and golden splendour. He strode towards them. Jane reached for her panic button.

„You wound me, my lady. I shall strive to please you better."

Darcy remained unperturbed. „Aw, Jane, don't worry, that's just a hologram" she said, waving her hand at the god's face to dissipate the illusion. Her hand connected with his cheek. „Oh. Ooops? Sorry! Sorry!"

He grasped her hand and kissed it. „When will mylady allow me to court you properly?"

„You know what? WHEN PIGS FLY!" she shouted, withdrawing her hand. For good measure, she also stomped on his booted foot.

He ignored that, looking thoughtful. „As mylady requests. Until we meet again."

He bowed, and vanished in a puff of green smoke.

* * *

A few days later, flying pigs attacked the Helicarrier. They were roughly of rhino size, with wings, antlers and enormous tusks. Their hot breath melted the tar on the runway deck, and their squeaks disrupted the electronics of the quinjets. Agents with automatic rifles swarmed out to take them on, but the animals zigzagged swiftly and could take a lot.

The fight was messy, with several helicopters downed, another blown up in bazooka crossfire aimed at the charging beasts. The bridge's windows were smeared with blood and intestines. A spearhead of some of the monsters nuzzled down to the cafeteria deck before agent Coulson stopped them with one of the Destroyer guns. The stink was unimaginable.

Amidst the chaos, the respective god materialized in front of agent Lewis with a flower bouquet, interrupting her handing out of pepper-spray canisters.

„My lady? I trust now you will allow my presence?"

The young woman threw a fit. „You! You did that? Are you crazy? Shoo! Get out of here, leave me alone! And what do you think I am, a fool? Those are bilgesnipes, not pigs. Thor has a statuette of one on his desk. They don't count, you hear me? Pack them and be off before I zap you!"

The god vanished, and those beasts not slain yet did, too.

* * *

Director Fury decided it was safer not to keep agent Lewis on the Helicarrier any longer.

„You should quit the job, Darce. Really." Jane said, while her friend was packing. „They'll send you to your death. You should stay here, where many well-armed people can protect you."

„Jane." Darcy sat down, rolling her eyes. „It's – a – trap. Honestly, why else would the boss send me to some Hicksville pig farm? I'm a supervillain attack magnet. So: Remote place where nothing of worth can go kablooey in the fight, the loony comes in, levitates some pigs – that's my excuse this time, they don't really fly, he makes them. Agents jump from their hideouts, Hulk cage, done. Obvious."

„Oh." Not so obvious for Jane, apparently. „If you say so. But Darce, that's still too dangerous for you."

„Nah, he likes me. And he won't come. He can't be dumb enough to walk into something that has 'trap' written all over it in bright pink letters."

She was proven right. The Avengers spent some very boring days in the corn belt, playing poker and making lame jokes about _Babe the little pig_. They watched both movies (Steve liked them) and did a _Little House on the Prairie_ marathon. Tony fused a motorbike with a liquid manure pump just to have something to do. Bruce nearly hulked out when cornered by a skunk on the screened porch. Other than that, nothing happened.

The farmowner was a state senator aspiring more, a hardliner on anti-supervillain policies, and awed to have Captain America as his guest. Darcy pulled all possible strings with his party higher-ups and state political opponents, but it wasn't until Natasha notified the man's insurer that he had volunteered for a risky special operation that the mission finally was cancelled and all of them reassigned.

* * *

Back in her cabin on the Helicarrier, Darcy noticed some small dark droppings and the smell of rodents' pee. Her cork sandals and the laundry basket had been gnawed on. Were there rats on the carrier now? Darcy decided to fetch someone from maintenance. Turning back to the door, she saw a faintly glowing scroll tied to the doorknob. Reaching for it, she was hit by something furry from the ceiling. It landed on her back, climbed up to her shoulder and grunted in her ear. Darcy screamed like she had not since early childhood.

„You can tell your crazy brother his pranks are NOT funny." Darcy pushed her glasses up her nose and glared at Thor across the table.

„Trust me, lady Darcy, all of Asgard told him that, a lot." The thunderer bent down and pushed another salad leaf through the wire mesh. „You must give him credit though: These pets are very cute, unlike the mutant animals he usually breeds in his experiments."

They were.

„What does the scroll say?" Jane asked.

„Oh, the usual: undying love, devotion, valiant quests … He says he changed himself into a bilgesnipe in heat to lead that herd here ..."

„So that was his trick!" Thor interrupted. „I wondered. Bilgesnipe can not be tamed or bespelled. Never has anyone been able to direct them, they are far too fierce. Loki has a way with animals."

„Yeah, great. He also says he needed to create a rapid time pocket dimension for to breed these guinea pigs through a couple thousand generations before they could 'fly'. Says the difficult part was to lure them up the trees; that accomplished, the flying came almost naturally."

Thor stroked the dark brown female with a finger through the mesh. She grunted and licked the inside of her membrane skin.

„That sounds like something he would do. He once bred direwolves for size, before Father forbade it. The largest one towered the roof. Our friends nicknamed him _'Mother of Monsters'_ then. Be glad, my lady, that he chose these little pigs for you this time. Though they do not look much like swine."

„They aren't. They are rodents. Guinea pigs. And they don't_ fly_ either, they just _glide_, like flying squirrels. Bats fly, flying squirrels don't. Okay that sounds stupid even in English, I don't want to know if that makes sense in the Alltongue. Still. These aren't _it_."

But Jane thought her friend did look pleased with her unique new pets. All the crew and agents had instantly fallen in love with them. Serious cutegasm. They were official mascots now. Tomorrow, rebuilding complete, _Nick_ and _Phyllis_ would even move into their own storage room turned aviary.

* * *

Some days later, New Jersey police contacted SHIELD about a hostage situation. Loki had taken over a pre-school. National TV stations were already airing footage of parents in tears on the streets, crying and begging for their children to be released.

When agent Lewis entered the conference room, everybody glared at her. On the wide screen played a video of the kidnapper's demands.

„I am Loki, of Asgard!"

A girl raised her hand. „I am Dianna, of New Jersey!"

Irritated, the villain waved a hand, and the nearest beanbag chair flopped over her, swallowing and making munching noises („Ommnomnom").

Chaos broke out, children jumping up, running around and screaming. The chaos god glared into the camera and ground out: „I want Tony Stark."

Then the screen went black.

Steve Rogers offered himself for hostage exchange. Loki declined. The same with Coulson. When Darcy offered, the supervillain sent a flowery reply of how he'd love to be with her and many children one day not so far away, but this was not the proper time yet. That was unexpected. Finally, Stark went – unarmed, without his suit.

The children were released unharmed, but Tony vanished into thin air along with Loki.

* * *

„Hey, noooo, give it back! That's mine! I earned it!" Dianna, the girl from the beanbag chair. As it turned out, the children missed the munching chairs one needed to be tickled out of once swallowed, as well as the table-turned-icecream.

Thor was holding her stuffed toy: a goat with plushy fur and gleaming teeth. He stroked it carefully, tears in his eyes. „Tanngnjostr? How dare that Jotun runt give you away? You are mine!"

The puppet bleated. „Baaaa. You can brush my fur. Baa. Let us be friends. Baa. I eat the raw flesh of my enemies. Baa."

„You can't have it, uncle Lowkey gave it me, for my co... co... corporation. And its name is Tanngrisnir." The girl was now close to tears as well.

„Tanngrisnir?" The thundergod turned the item over in his hands once more.

„Baaa. Let us go on the trollhunt together!"

„Oh. I see. The burn mark where I burnt Tanngnjostr with lightning isn't there, and the leg's not broken. This must be a copy." He looked slightly sheepish, Jane observed, but immensely relieved. „Child, my apologies. Mistakenly I thought my brother had given away a most dear toy of mine. You go and play with this now, and grow up to be a brave shieldmaid!"

„Baaa. I can bite a Jotun's legs off."

* * *

Tony Stark was next seen quite exhausted but alive and well on live footage from Baikonur spaceport in Kazakhstan, commenting the launch of a custom-made spaceship to the moon, manned by pigs. They would fly there on a programmed course, but choose on their own where and when to land, as well as when to initiate the return trip. Of course this would be largely random, depending solely on which pig might gnaw on what lever when, but the point was that the pigs actively piloted.

The pigs in space, with webcam in the capsule, gained millions of followers in all social media, particularly one timid individual dubbed POC-3 (for _'porcine cosmonaut 3'_), always the last at the feeding station.

The venture garnered great PR for Stark Industries, up until the capsule with the returned moonpigs happened to land in a South Sea lagoon, where the cosmonauts were retrieved by fishermen, included in a village feast and summarily eaten.

* * *

„My lady?"

„D'uh."

SHIELD had of course expected Loki to appear again, on the Helicarrier no less. Agents with Destroyer guns stormed the room from all four corridors. They slammed into an invisible forcefield that only shimmered faintly green in places when sprayed with blood from a broken nose.

That still left Coulson, Thor and Jane, who were in the room with Darcy. Asgard's younger prince bowed.

„I believe I fulfilled your request. According to our agreement you will now allow me to court you the Asgardian way, correct?" His grin was predatory.

„The Asgardian way? Brother! She is mortal, fragile." Thor looked really worried.

„Fear not." From a pocket of space, Loki produced an enormous two-handed club. „I had it custom-made, with healing spells, and thickly padded." He did a few test swipes, barely missing Darcy. „I see with pleasure that mylady wears her hair long. That will come in handy. Now stand still, please."

Jane squeaked: „That's Asgardian courtship?"

Thor nodded solemnly. „A venerable custom from the times of Bor, when brides were mostly won in wars."

Coulson reached for his sidearm, but Darcy beat him to action.

„Hold it! Stop! Time out. Okay, mad evil, you can 'court me'. I agreed, fine. You never mentioned Asgard. We're on Earth here, 'kay? So, you can 'court me' Earth way, but not Asgard way, capiche? Ta!" She triumphantly pointed an index finger at his nose. „And besides, you need to make your magic barriers softer. It's not nice to let people run into them like this. You hurt a lot of my coworkers today. They are good people."

„Very well, if that's your wish." The god of mischief, slightly sad, vanished his club. „I shall compensate them, and court you according to the customs of this here realm. Until we meet again, my lady."

He teleported away, leaving some wads of 10,000 tenge notes and a healing stone.

Minutes later, when Maria Hill – covered in softly glowing green goo – reported Loki had stolen books on anthropology from the ship's library, it dawned on Darcy that she might not quite be out of trouble yet.


End file.
